You are Not Alone

You Are Not Alone

Written by: Jill Sheets

*****Picture was take my Senior year, by my mom*****

My ex’s name has been changed.

I met Saul when I was 16, through a friend of mine. Her boyfriend was his friend. The first time I met him was when my friend and her boyfriend came into where I was working and helped me clean up the food court.

It did not take long before Saul and I were dating, and he started driving me home from school or to work. One day he gave me an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. I was still 16, which did not bother me — our plans where to get married after I graduated from High School.

I always wanted a large family, so when I was asked to marry him, I said “yes.” Now looking back at it I should have said “no,” and ran. All I could think about having a family and my career. I figured starting early would help with achieving all of it.

I knew he was older, but I never knew how much older he was. Even today, I still do not know the answer to that. Other things that I did not know were that he was an alcoholic and drug addict.

Even though down deep, I know he was, I did not want to admit it. He was also abusive. That was the one thing that was the hardest thing to admit to myself, me being abused again. I swore that would not happen again, but it did happen, and that would not be my last.

My period, even though painful, it was always on time. When I missed my period, when I was 17, I wondered how I was going to get a pregnancy test without asking my mom. I am not sure how I could think I could hide it from her, but with my teenage mind, I did. One of my friend’s mothers worked at either a hospital or doctor’s office. I was blessed that she was able to get me one. I could tell she was not happy about it. But really what could I say, but “Thank you.”

My best friend was there when I took the pregnancy test. It was supposed to be either a plus or minus. There was a straight line that went up and down, then a light line that went across. I was pregnant.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy. I even made sure that I would graduate before the baby was born. I would have made it, but I was going to be huge.

I told Saul about being pregnant.  You all may not be surprised, but he skipped town when he found out. I was unable to get a hold of him. I admit that I was hurt. We were in engaged, and he said he wanted a family. I did not know what to think.

I found myself placing my arm around my stomach when someone came up to me too fast. I was making sure that the baby would be safe. I even changed my eating habits. This baby was going to be one of the most important people in my life. I realized it was a good chance that I was going to be a single mother. I still had it in my head that even though I was going to have a baby, I would still be able to do everything I wanted to.

But things do not always work out.

I lost the baby when I was at school. I was in choir.  I remember getting knocked into and ended up sitting on one of the steps inside the room.

A friend leaned over to check on me. Helping me up, I notice that my black jeans were soaked in blood. My next class was downstairs. She helped me downstairs to the bathroom and told my teacher that I would be late.

I had no idea what to do. My jeans were soaked. The cramping in my tummy was painful, and I kept passing blood clots. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

I searched my purse to look for a pad.  I finally found one. My shaking hands put the pad on. Not 100% straight, but it was on. I was not sure how long that one pad would be able to hold on. It was the only one.

My teacher came to check on me, and I told her that I needed to go home. My mom picked me up, and I was taken home. I do not know if my mom knew, but she did not question me on the way home. I remember just staring out the window. I was shocked that my baby was gone.

I have no idea why it happened. For the longest time, I was so mad at God. I can’t even explain how angry and hurt I was. I could not find the bright-side in it. I now feel that God was making sure I would have no connection to him when we finally broke up, but at the time, I was devastated. Each year, I would remind myself of what age the child would have been. Later on, in life, I stopped. It was just making me worse.

Saul did come back after the miscarriage.

There is one thing I regret.

I should have listened to my best friend. She could see what was going on, she could see the greater picture? She did not approve of the fact that I was engaged at 16. She also warned me that Saul was cheating on me. Even worse, it was with one of my old friends. To this day, I feel bad about the way I treated her. I could not believe her, but I should have. Maybe I knew it was true, but that is something you do not want to think about.

But she was always there for me. 

Thank you to all to my friends that were there for me no matter what. And to the person that was my best friend. I should have listened. I am sorry. Thank you for standing by me, and being the best sister I could ever want.

Love you all.